Had to have my 20-year-old cat put down today. Not unexpected, but the loss itself, no less painful. In fact, it left an emptiness beyond what I had anticipated. He, Neptune, had been with me through so much of my life. Wow, nearly half of it. He was there when my life was good. When […]

If only

Spent much of the afternoon daydreaming. A fantasy of finally having enough money to be normal again; to pursue some goals and purpose again; to feel like part of society again. I imagined the fear gone; the tension; the constant adrenalin and disconnect from reality. I felt the strain leave the muscles in my face […]

Sinking in (or just sinking)

I’ve been having to battle the inclination to believe that this will just resolve itself – or that it is already resolved. It’s almost a subconscious thing; not like I’m consciously saying to myself “everything will turn out fine”. But I catch these thoughts, or attitudes, in the back of my mind that keep steering […]

An indescribable grief

It’s becoming more difficult to write about what’s happening. My first couple postings were actually therapeutic. And were also the first time in a long while that writing about it was. I haven’t been able to write or talk about it for quite some time. The result has been more detrimental than helpful. There is […]

Close to the edge

In some ways, this country is not really much different than many other countries. It kills some of its people too. It just does so in a way that is more insidious. I heard a report yesterday on NPR about similar problems in Spain with evictions (hell, it seems to be a global problem these […]

They Are Winning

The isolation becomes more and more necessary. At the same time I resent the isolation that moving toward homelessness has forced upon me, just when I had reached a time in my life when I began to appreciate and perhaps even need a little social interaction, I have also found myself seeking more of it […]

Weeding out the weak

Each day brings me closer to the inevitable. The feeling is indescribable. Shock? Yes, that. But something else too. Not numb. That would probably be welcome. Not really flat either. I felt that after Fred died and this isn’t it. It’s a sort of fear; panic. But it’s without movement. It’s immobile. But not the […]