Sinking in (or just sinking)

I’ve been having to battle the inclination to believe that this will just resolve itself – or that it is already resolved. It’s almost a subconscious thing; not like I’m consciously saying to myself “everything will turn out fine”. But I catch these thoughts, or attitudes, in the back of my mind that keep steering me towards the fantasy that I won’t actually be evicted. It’s very distressing; not just that my mind has a mind of its own, but that I have to snap my thoughts from an unrealistic fantasy back into a bleak reality.

Perhaps this is the same phenomenon that keeps so many people, most actually, in a state of denial about one thing or another. [Except that most people are unaware they are doing it.]

I recognize this is happening to me out of necessity. But I think that makes it even more upsetting. Because it has to be incredibly devastating to make my mind play such tricks on me. And it scares the hell out of me to think what might happen as the reality of my situation gets closer and finally becomes real. I am beginning to really doubt my ability to cope with it. I’m afraid I will lose my mind. I’m afraid I will die. And I don’t even know which one of those is worse. Either way, I would wind up abandoning my cats, and that is by far the worst of all possible outcomes.

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