If only

Spent much of the afternoon daydreaming. A fantasy of finally having enough money to be normal again; to pursue some goals and purpose again; to feel like part of society again.

I imagined the fear gone; the tension; the constant adrenalin and disconnect from reality. I felt the strain leave the muscles in my face and in my shoulders. I felt the relief of reimbursing my friends for all the loans and for no longer worrying about having to borrow anything more. And I envisioned going holiday shopping for them, after so, so many regretful years of being unable to do that for anyone. I imagined what I could do if I won the lottery, and could buy for each of them whatever they wanted, and it felt so good to be able to do that for friends who have been there for me through so many years of prolonged decline. I even found myself smiling at the notion.

It felt so incredibly good to finally have escaped such dependency; to have loosed the shackles and the vulnerability that has stolen my individuality; my identity; my self-ness. I felt free.

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