Had to have my 20-year-old cat put down today. Not unexpected, but the loss itself, no less painful. In fact, it left an emptiness beyond what I had anticipated. He, Neptune, had been with me through so much of my life. Wow, nearly half of it. He was there when my life was good. When I was financially secure, still had not experienced so many major losses, had a fulfilling career and sense of purpose. When my sense of self was still intact. And he saw everything since then. Unfortunately, my bad moods too. LOL, he definitely had his fair share of bad moods as well. One of the most temperamental cats I’ve met. We were actually quite a bit alike. Maybe that’s one reason for the strength of our bond.

When the vets left, I really lost it. And I found myself wishing he was my last pet left, because I wanted a dose of that anesthetic myself; ready to check out; enough of this life and losses I can no longer handle, because I have nothing left. But, alas, I do have a couple more cats who need me, and since I could never abandon them, I settled for a milder anesthetic called port.


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